we give it all away…

Lately, as I have gone to bed and I lay my head on my pillow, I have one nagging question that keeps me restless: Is this it? Is this all that there is to life? 

Don’t misunderstand. I am happy with many things in my life. I love my children. I love my job. I love many things about my life. Yet, I lay awake and wonder.

In the midst of this long transition in my life, I am working to find peace. In 2001, when I was preparing for my wedding, in no way did I ever think that marriage would be a temporary thing. I didn’t get married planning on getting divorced. I am sure that there are people out there that look at marriage as a short term fix as they rotate through partners. I am not one of those people. I am guarded in my relationships. It is part of the reason that I do not have a lot of close friends. My closest friends have either passed away or moved. While I still keep in contact with them, keeping a close personal relationship with friends who live states away has proven difficult for me. I value community, but I have a difficult time finding one that I fit into. The restlessness that I am suffering is from a lack of community. I struggle as try to find my place in this world. 

“Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done…” – God of this City – Chris Tomlin

Father,
I am yours, I pray that you would take me and use me. I pray that I could be a witness to the great things that you have planned. I pray that I could come into strong community, that I could find wisdom in strong mentors and leaders that you have placed in my life. I pray that you would wash away my pride. I am yours.

 

1000 thanks ~ revisited (1-10)
a peaceful week
the quiet of my rocking chair
reading ministry is…  
my daughters’ smiles
my sister and brother-in-law coming “home”
going for drives with my father
my boss’ faith in me
the peace that I find in storms
great messages from church
the quiet of the morning 

 

Grace Revisited

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. ~ Romans 3:23-24

Too many times throughout this year, I have needed to see a picture of God’s unending grace. I see grace in my relationships with friends, with students and with co-workers. I see grace through my children. I have struggled with the church because it is hard to see grace from leaders who are stuck in the mire, but are so willing to point out the flaws of others. I would accept it as the fallibility of man, but then it would be my stubbornness in refusing to extend grace to others. I’ve written about grace through the illustration of Prince Caspian:

King Peter and Prince Caspian have just returned to the stone table, which is now entombed in a catacomb surrounded by murals of Narnians as an image of Aslan overlooks the table which he sacrificed himself on. Peter has just led a failed raid on King Miraz’s castle in which most of his army died. Peter is desperate to return the kingdom to Prince Caspian, so desperate he ignores Queen Lucy’s pleas to wait for Aslan. Caspian himself is desperate for the throne, so desperate in fact that when the White Witch’s minions offer him the throne for a drop of his blood he gladly accepts. King Peter then becomes ensnared by the Witch’s promise as well. The Witch hasn’t come in full form but instead has iced over Aslan’s mural clouding him from Peter and Caspian’s view…
So many times we let our worldly desires get in the way of what God has for us. We let Satan and sin cloud our sight and we take our eyes off of God. Yet God remains, right there, behind the clouds, or the materialism of this world if you will. We have put on sunglasses in a world without light. To see God we have only to take the sunglasses off, we have only to look through the clouds. In trusting in God, in waiting on him, in asking him to lead the way we can find peace. We can find grace, because by our faith we stand in God’s grace. (Romans 5:2)

It is that same picture of grace that we see in the first Chronicles of Narnia when King Edmond has been rescued from the White Witch’s stronghold and brought before Aslan. Edmond had gone to the witch to become king, and to turn over his brother’s and sisters. He had the intention of betraying them to her so he could rule alone. Yet after his rescue and talk with Aslan, the lion says: (and i’m paraphrasing…)

There is no need to speak of these things to Edmond, what is done is done. It is in the past.

We can assume that Edmond had confessed his intentions to Aslan and Aslan has forgiven him, and as the White Witch comes to make her claim on Edmond “The Traitor” Aslan offers himself instead. It is through this picture we can see more clearly again, God’s grace…

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

God’s unending grace. A point that is repeated over and over throughout the Bible and through out our lives, now if only we can remove the shades to see more clearly.

the years go on…

Music is a funny thing. To me at least. There are a million songs that can change my mood in a minute. Jimmy Buffett can brighten my shitty days. Music, to me is nostalgic. Nostalgia is painful sometimes. Take Ben Folds for example. Yesterday I posted this song, which unfortunately, will always remind me of 2011. 2011 has been a horrible year. I hit 30, which wasn’t bad at all. I thought I would turn 30 and have some kind of nervous breakdown. I didn’t. I actually enjoyed my birthday, it was the month that followed that was bad. I started to feel like old milk. “You’re 30 now, you’re old, you’re spoiled. I don’t want you anymore.”

“i can tell you about today, how i picked you up and everything changed…”
I didn’t want to move from the city back to the country. I have grown accustomed to the city over the past 10 years. I actually grew accustomed to marriage over that time too. The country was for my parents. Small towns were for country music and my past. I didn’t want to move back, but it was logical. I have grown used to the drive down the back roads. In the rain. In the dark. I watched the corn grow this year. Now the fields have been cut back down. They grew up fast, did their job and were cut down for the harvest.

“it’s so weird to be back here…”
When my grandpa died I realized just how horrible at relationships I am. I used to think it was everyone else. It’s really just me. I am not a good communicator. There are a few people that would say I am not a good listener either. I am pretty good at listening to music. I try to find meaning in songs. I figured a long time ago that Ben Fold’s Brick and Del Amitri’s Driving with the Brakes On are both songs about dealing with the guilt of abortion. Listen to the lyrics, you’ll get it. We’re Still Fighting It, well, that’s my divorce song. Or, I guess my beautiful girls’ song. How did my choices in life effect them?
2011, has been a depressing year. December is coming. Maybe next year will bring joy.

good morning sun…

It really does suck to grow up. I’ve been officially divorced for 36 days. It was not something that I ever wanted.

Follow Me…

You want to know what everyone else is doing, but you don’t want to share what you’re doing.

I have seen dozens of comments on Facebook regarding its recent changes. The ticker on the side,
“Do me a favor: please hover over my name here, wait for the box to load and then hover over the “Subscribe” link. Then uncheck the “Comments and likes” choice. I would rather my comments on friends’ posts not be made public. Thanks**

Then repost if you don’t want your EVERY MOVE posted on the right for everyone to see! I’ll do the same for you if you want. just click “like.”
Gotta love the “new” FB designs!”
The interesting part of this comment, and many like it, is that when I signed up for Facebook, this is exactly what I expected. I signed up wanting to keep up with old friends and long distance family. I signed up knowing that I would come across old girlfriends, and enemies, and reacquaint with long lost schoolmates. I also came to understand that once someone was my friend, they could keep up with me by clicking my name. They could see all of the pictures that I chose to post, see where I checked in, and click the links that I would share. I understood that if i shared where I worked, people would see it. They would know where I went to school, and who I was married to. When my marriage fell apart, I knew that people would be able to see if I listed myself as separated, and when my divorce was finalized, they would know that too.

Yet, all of that was relative to whether or not I chose to share it. All of that information is on my Facebook page but very little of that information can be seen. My phone number is on Facebook, but no one can see it. My friends can see the month and day I was born. I am 30, you can do the math. I am listed as divorced, but no one can see that. I have many status updates that only certain people can see. All of this was done with a simple click. This article http://money.cnn.com/2011/09/29/technology/facebook_ticker_privacy/index.htm?hpt=hp_c2 goes on about how with the new “Timeline your life is on display.” If you’ve been on Facebook, your life has been on display. Yet, you have always been able to, and will still be able to control how much is on display.

I linked my Facebook account to Spotify because I love music and I want to share what I am listening to. If you don’t want your EVERY MOVE posted on Facebook, then don’t post your every move on Facebook. It is a simple concept.

my father had skin like leather, hands like steel…

I have always loved comic books. Thor, the X-Men, the Green Lantern. Growing up, they were all my heros. I loved Larry Bird, Dan Marino, Chris Sabo and Wayne Gretzky. They were all amazing at what they did, and I wanted nothing more to be like them each, in their element. On the court, I wanted to be “the Legend”. On the football field, I wanted to be the best in the game. Each one of those men had what every child idolizes, yet they all missed something. None of those men were my father. They were all good at what they did. My father, he is good at everything that he does. And more than any of those men, I always wanted to be like my father. To be able to build things like he does, to fix things like he does, to sing like he does. I wanted to be a musician like him. I wanted to be a father, just like him. I am certain I had a handful of friends who wanted my father as their own. I am grateful. He is mine.

I am grateful for the gifts he has given me. My artistic abilities, my voice, fingers built for a guitar. I can (and do) fix cars because of him. I can (and do) build things because of him. Because of my father, I am not afraid to fix a broken sink, or light fixture. Because of my father, I can sing my daughters to sleep at night. I love music because of my father.

I am proud to be his son. He is my real hero.

children get older, i’m getting older too…

- From: Someday We Will – January 26, 2004
“Anyway Sunday, house church was amazing, I love it. I love the intimacy, I love the community. I miss the Neds-Foxes’. I got to play with Mazzy and she is so wonderful. I loved seeing my wife holding Abe as he slept. She will be a wonderful mother. No we are not with child, and no we are not planning to be for sometime, but someday we will…”

I climb back into the front seat of the “red car” as Lily calls it. When she first started riding in it, she was excited. Now, she doesn’t want it. She wants to get in the “white car”. Mommy’s car. But Lily doesn’t understand. Daddy wants to get in the “white car” too. Lily wants everyone to go to church together… But I concede, they ride to church with their mom, in the white car. I drive alone. Again. I stand in church, alone and awkward while I wait. People who know me sheepishly smile and say hi. They don’t ask how I am doing anymore. They assume, and that is ok, they are right. No one knows what to say, and that is ok, neither do I.

The girls come in and they are excited to see me, even though I just left them five minutes ago, but that is ok. It makes me smile, but it breaks my heart at the same time.

Church is over, and I dread it, it means my time is coming to a close. I don’t get to see the girls for 3 days. To hug them and hold them, and put them to bed. I see them on the computer screen and hear their voices over Skype, but they aren’t too interested in talking. Just a few more days I think to myself. They are two and four, they don’t understand. Lily asks, “Daddy, are you sad?” How do I respond? What do I say to a four year old? Yes Lily, I am. I am broken. My life has been stripped away. My days and nights are spent alone, people are around, but I don’t really see them or hear them. I don’t want to talk to them, I don’t want to be social. I don’t want to interact. The one adult I do want to talk to doesn’t want to talk. She never does…
We both need help. Everyone wants to talk to me, and I am tired. No one reaches out to her, and she is desperate. They say they will, but they never do. She doesn’t trust anymore.

I am afraid to see the girls become as broken as me from all of this. I don’t want what is happening. I don’t want any of it. I pray that God would fix this, that he would just hear me. Just this once. Just this once…