the years go on…

Music is a funny thing. To me at least. There are a million songs that can change my mood in a minute. Jimmy Buffett can brighten my shitty days. Music, to me is nostalgic. Nostalgia is painful sometimes. Take Ben Folds for example. Yesterday I posted this song, which unfortunately, will always remind me of 2011. 2011 has been a horrible year. I hit 30, which wasn’t bad at all. I thought I would turn 30 and have some kind of nervous breakdown. I didn’t. I actually enjoyed my birthday, it was the month that followed that was bad. I started to feel like old milk. “You’re 30 now, you’re old, you’re spoiled. I don’t want you anymore.”

“i can tell you about today, how i picked you up and everything changed…”
I didn’t want to move from the city back to the country. I have grown accustomed to the city over the past 10 years. I actually grew accustomed to marriage over that time too. The country was for my parents. Small towns were for country music and my past. I didn’t want to move back, but it was logical. I have grown used to the drive down the back roads. In the rain. In the dark. I watched the corn grow this year. Now the fields have been cut back down. They grew up fast, did their job and were cut down for the harvest.

“it’s so weird to be back here…”
When my grandpa died I realized just how horrible at relationships I am. I used to think it was everyone else. It’s really just me. I am not a good communicator. There are a few people that would say I am not a good listener either. I am pretty good at listening to music. I try to find meaning in songs. I figured a long time ago that Ben Fold’s Brick and Del Amitri’s Driving with the Brakes On are both songs about dealing with the guilt of abortion. Listen to the lyrics, you’ll get it. We’re Still Fighting It, well, that’s my divorce song. Or, I guess my beautiful girls’ song. How did my choices in life effect them?
2011, has been a depressing year. December is coming. Maybe next year will bring joy.