For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. ~ Romans 3:23-24

Too many times throughout this year, I have needed to see a picture of God’s unending grace. I see grace in my relationships with friends, with students and with co-workers. I see grace through my children. I have struggled with the church because it is hard to see grace from leaders who are stuck in the mire, but are so willing to point out the flaws of others. I would accept it as the fallibility of man, but then it would be my stubbornness in refusing to extend grace to others. I’ve written about grace through the illustration of Prince Caspian:

King Peter and Prince Caspian have just returned to the stone table, which is now entombed in a catacomb surrounded by murals of Narnians as an image of Aslan overlooks the table which he sacrificed himself on. Peter has just led a failed raid on King Miraz’s castle in which most of his army died. Peter is desperate to return the kingdom to Prince Caspian, so desperate he ignores Queen Lucy’s pleas to wait for Aslan. Caspian himself is desperate for the throne, so desperate in fact that when the White Witch’s minions offer him the throne for a drop of his blood he gladly accepts. King Peter then becomes ensnared by the Witch’s promise as well. The Witch hasn’t come in full form but instead has iced over Aslan’s mural clouding him from Peter and Caspian’s view…
So many times we let our worldly desires get in the way of what God has for us. We let Satan and sin cloud our sight and we take our eyes off of God. Yet God remains, right there, behind the clouds, or the materialism of this world if you will. We have put on sunglasses in a world without light. To see God we have only to take the sunglasses off, we have only to look through the clouds. In trusting in God, in waiting on him, in asking him to lead the way we can find peace. We can find grace, because by our faith we stand in God’s grace. (Romans 5:2)

It is that same picture of grace that we see in the first Chronicles of Narnia when King Edmond has been rescued from the White Witch’s stronghold and brought before Aslan. Edmond had gone to the witch to become king, and to turn over his brother’s and sisters. He had the intention of betraying them to her so he could rule alone. Yet after his rescue and talk with Aslan, the lion says: (and i’m paraphrasing…)

There is no need to speak of these things to Edmond, what is done is done. It is in the past.

We can assume that Edmond had confessed his intentions to Aslan and Aslan has forgiven him, and as the White Witch comes to make her claim on Edmond “The Traitor” Aslan offers himself instead. It is through this picture we can see more clearly again, God’s grace…

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

God’s unending grace. A point that is repeated over and over throughout the Bible and through out our lives, now if only we can remove the shades to see more clearly.

“i can tell you about today, how i picked you up and everything changed…”
I didn’t want to move from the city back to the country. I have grown accustomed to the city over the past 10 years. I actually grew accustomed to marriage over that time too. The country was for my parents. Small towns were for country music and my past. I didn’t want to move back, but it was logical. I have grown used to the drive down the back roads. In the rain. In the dark. I watched the corn grow this year. Now the fields have been cut back down. They grew up fast, did their job and were cut down for the harvest.

“it’s so weird to be back here…”
When my grandpa died I realized just how horrible at relationships I am. I used to think it was everyone else. It’s really just me. I am not a good communicator. There are a few people that would say I am not a good listener either. I am pretty good at listening to music. I try to find meaning in songs. I figured a long time ago that Ben Fold’s Brick and Del Amitri’s Driving with the Brakes On are both songs about dealing with the guilt of abortion. Listen to the lyrics, you’ll get it. We’re Still Fighting It, well, that’s my divorce song. Or, I guess my beautiful girls’ song. How did my choices in life effect them?
2011, has been a depressing year. December is coming. Maybe next year will bring joy.

I have seen dozens of comments on Facebook regarding its recent changes. The ticker on the side,
“Do me a favor: please hover over my name here, wait for the box to load and then hover over the “Subscribe” link. Then uncheck the “Comments and likes” choice. I would rather my comments on friends’ posts not be made public. Thanks**

Then repost if you don’t want your EVERY MOVE posted on the right for everyone to see! I’ll do the same for you if you want. just click “like.”
Gotta love the “new” FB designs!”
The interesting part of this comment, and many like it, is that when I signed up for Facebook, this is exactly what I expected. I signed up wanting to keep up with old friends and long distance family. I signed up knowing that I would come across old girlfriends, and enemies, and reacquaint with long lost schoolmates. I also came to understand that once someone was my friend, they could keep up with me by clicking my name. They could see all of the pictures that I chose to post, see where I checked in, and click the links that I would share. I understood that if i shared where I worked, people would see it. They would know where I went to school, and who I was married to. When my marriage fell apart, I knew that people would be able to see if I listed myself as separated, and when my divorce was finalized, they would know that too.

Yet, all of that was relative to whether or not I chose to share it. All of that information is on my Facebook page but very little of that information can be seen. My phone number is on Facebook, but no one can see it. My friends can see the month and day I was born. I am 30, you can do the math. I am listed as divorced, but no one can see that. I have many status updates that only certain people can see. All of this was done with a simple click. This article http://money.cnn.com/2011/09/29/technology/facebook_ticker_privacy/index.htm?hpt=hp_c2 goes on about how with the new “Timeline your life is on display.” If you’ve been on Facebook, your life has been on display. Yet, you have always been able to, and will still be able to control how much is on display.

I linked my Facebook account to Spotify because I love music and I want to share what I am listening to. If you don’t want your EVERY MOVE posted on Facebook, then don’t post your every move on Facebook. It is a simple concept.

I am grateful for the gifts he has given me. My artistic abilities, my voice, fingers built for a guitar. I can (and do) fix cars because of him. I can (and do) build things because of him. Because of my father, I am not afraid to fix a broken sink, or light fixture. Because of my father, I can sing my daughters to sleep at night. I love music because of my father.

I am proud to be his son. He is my real hero.

- From: Someday We Will – January 26, 2004
“Anyway Sunday, house church was amazing, I love it. I love the intimacy, I love the community. I miss the Neds-Foxes’. I got to play with Mazzy and she is so wonderful. I loved seeing my wife holding Abe as he slept. She will be a wonderful mother. No we are not with child, and no we are not planning to be for sometime, but someday we will…”

I climb back into the front seat of the “red car” as Lily calls it. When she first started riding in it, she was excited. Now, she doesn’t want it. She wants to get in the “white car”. Mommy’s car. But Lily doesn’t understand. Daddy wants to get in the “white car” too. Lily wants everyone to go to church together… But I concede, they ride to church with their mom, in the white car. I drive alone. Again. I stand in church, alone and awkward while I wait. People who know me sheepishly smile and say hi. They don’t ask how I am doing anymore. They assume, and that is ok, they are right. No one knows what to say, and that is ok, neither do I.

The girls come in and they are excited to see me, even though I just left them five minutes ago, but that is ok. It makes me smile, but it breaks my heart at the same time.

Church is over, and I dread it, it means my time is coming to a close. I don’t get to see the girls for 3 days. To hug them and hold them, and put them to bed. I see them on the computer screen and hear their voices over Skype, but they aren’t too interested in talking. Just a few more days I think to myself. They are two and four, they don’t understand. Lily asks, “Daddy, are you sad?” How do I respond? What do I say to a four year old? Yes Lily, I am. I am broken. My life has been stripped away. My days and nights are spent alone, people are around, but I don’t really see them or hear them. I don’t want to talk to them, I don’t want to be social. I don’t want to interact. The one adult I do want to talk to doesn’t want to talk. She never does…
We both need help. Everyone wants to talk to me, and I am tired. No one reaches out to her, and she is desperate. They say they will, but they never do. She doesn’t trust anymore.

I am afraid to see the girls become as broken as me from all of this. I don’t want what is happening. I don’t want any of it. I pray that God would fix this, that he would just hear me. Just this once. Just this once…

Sanctus Real – “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying…

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They’re just children from the outside
I’m working hard, I tell myself they’ll be fine
They’re independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying…

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can’t
Don’t leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight
That I’m still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I’m called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won’t You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can’t
Don’t want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I’ll show them I’m willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

Father, lead me, ’cause I can’t do this alone

I wake up, get the girls up, help get them ready, and take them to the babysitter. Somedays, somewhere in there is coffee and feeding pets. The simple things in life bring joy to the girls. Sprinkled Doughnuts, bagels and cream cheese, hamburgers, taking a movie with them and sitting in the “blue chair” in the car.

It’s the simple things I take for granted. Sleeping in my own bed, holding my wife, hugs, kisses. The things that bring joy.

Yes, sometimes I do question if my life has meaning. I wonder if the life of people like Soren Kierkegaard, alone and isolated, no one to hurt, and no one to hurt me back, is worth it. Where is the joy in solidarity?

I am a loser. But, that’s the good news. If I had it all together, it would be a lot harder to meet with God. If I had everything I ever wanted or needed, I wouldn’t need God. But I don’t have it all together, I am a wreck, and frankly, I don’t think I would ever be able to do it without God. I just flat out wouldn’t be here without God. Plain and simple.

So what is the unexamined life? Strip the surface away. I began to a year ago. I got rid of video games, I did away with tv, I gave away everything that I collected over the years. I stripped down my closet and my clothes. I simplified. I have been walking a lot. Reading. Last night I sewed clothes that have needed it for a while. I rocked in a rocking chair. I build puzzles with my girls, we spend time in the yard.

I got rid of all the things that protected me from feeling emptiness so that I could feel love.

100 thanks ~ 51-60
the quiet of night
rocking chairs
the sound of rain on the roof and nothing else
late night talks with my wife
my wife’s art
my children’s art
looking at the stars at night
simplifying life
becoming a vegetarian
the thoughts of a child

You see, when we’re born we see the world in an uncomplicated way. We know what we need, and we ask for it. We like nice people, and we don’t like mean people. We sleep when we’re tired, we eat when we’re hungry, and we stop eating when we’re full.
As we grow older, we eat and drink to console ourselves, rather than addressing what’s bothering us. We overwork to avoid close relationships, rather than finding people we can trust to form strong bonds with. We hold grudges, play games, spend more than we make, want things we don’t need, and we get too far away from our basic human needs. In other words, we complicate things.

100 thanks ~ 41-50
stumble upon
hope from God when everything seems Hopeless
the quiet of the morning
feeling love
inspiring quotes, and writers
comic relief in times of stress
hugs – hugs make me feel loved
long walks
new opportunities and new beginnings
mentors that are willing to talk, and listen

100 thanks ~ 31-40
daughters who want to pray for each other
friends who are willing to talk about difficult theological issues
free food when i am starving, better yet, free ice cream
the book of job
a mother that listens to all of my trivial issues and makes time for me when it feels like no one else will
grace
the audio bible
the smell of spring
my guitar
inspiring music